There is a problem with how we propose. I have so much conviction in the out-of-date and out-of-touchness of engagements and weddings that I co-authored a book about it, The New Wedding Book: A Guide to Ditching All the Rules.

If we look to pop culture for a how-to on proposing, it is clear: Hollywood has done an excellent job of typifying one type of proposal, which you will, of course, recognize: He’ll take her someplace spectacular and already asked for her father’s or family’s blessing (because remember, she’s just the recipient of this experience, not an active participant). He’ll get down on one knee, she’ll start to cry, then he’ll present a ring that she’ll love while exclaiming “YES!” Magic, right? We think this is traditional, but it is really just a construct invented by the wedding industry, which really took off post-WWII.

But what if your financial goals don’t include jewelry? What if your beloved doesn’t want a surprise proposal? What if you’re part of a same-sex or non-binary couple and don’t see yourselves in this? What if this doesn’t feel like you? What if you think, quite simply, that this sort of proposal is played out?

Do we accept these alternate ways of marking an engagement? We do.

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